Nonviolent comunication

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is an approach to communication based on principles of nonviolence. It is not a technique to end disagreements, but rather a method designed to increase empathy and improve the quality of life of those who utilize the method and the people around them.

It evolved from concepts used in person-centered therapy and was developed by clinical psychologist Marshall Rosenberg beginning in the 1960s and 1970s.

NVC is a communication tool to first create empathy in the conversation. The idea is that once there is empathy between the parties in the conversation, it will be much easier to talk about a solution that satisfies all parties' fundamental needs. The goal is interpersonal harmony and obtaining knowledge for future cooperation. Concepts include rejecting coercive forms of discourse, gathering facts through observing without evaluating, genuinely and concretely expressing feelings and needs, and formulating effective and empathetic requests. It is used both as a psychotherapy modality and as a self-help technique, particularly with regard to seeking harmony in relationships and workplaces.

With Nonviolent Communication (NVC) we learn to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well as others—NVC helps us discover the depth of our compassion. This language reveals the awareness that all human beings are only trying to honour universal values and needs, every minute, every day.

NVC can be seen as both a daily practise that helps us see our common humanity, using our power in a way that honours everyone's needs and a concrete set of skills that help us create life-serving families and communities.

The most iconic video about NVC, the language of life. Explaining the history of it, basics and how the method generaly looks like.

The two questions

What’s alive in us?

Nonviolent Communication as we’ll see, suggests how we can let people know what’s alive in us. It shows us how to connect with what’s alive in other people, even if they don’t have words for saying it.

The second question –and it’s linked to the first one- is:

What can we do to make life more wonderful?

The NVC Process

We focus the light of consciousness on four areas – referred as the four components of the NVC model.

1. observation

2. feelings

3. needs

4. request

1. The concrete actions we are observing that are affecting our well-being.

First we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation.

2. How we feel in relation to what we are observing.

Next we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated, etc?

3. The needs, values, desires, etc. that are creating our feelings.

Thirdly, we say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified.

4. The concrete action we request in order to enrich our lives

“Felix, when I 1see socks under the coffee table I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the room that we share in common. Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?”

Two parts of NVC

Part of the NVC is to express these four pieces of information very, very clearly. The other aspect of these communication consist of receiving these same four pieces of information from others.

1. Expressing honesty through the four components

2. Receiving emphatically through the four components

COMMUNICATION THAT BLOCKS COMPASSION

(life-alienating communication)

Certain ways of communicating alienate us from our natural state of compassion and trap us in a world of ideas about rightness and wrongness –a world of judgments. Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and not getting. I believe that violence comes because of how we were educated, not because of our nature. We have been educated in a way that makes violence enjoyable. This kind of education gets us disconnected from our compassionate nature. It started long ago with myths about human nature that framed humans as basically evil and selfish –and that the good life is heroic forces crushing evil forces. We’ve been living under this destructive mythology for long time, and it comes complete with a language that dehumanizes people and turn them into objects.

Diagnosis, judgments, analysis, criticism, comparisons

Blame, insults, put-downs (critical remark), labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses are all forms of judgment. When we judge, as a result, we increase defensiveness and resistance from others. If they do agree to act in harmony with our values because they concur with our analysis of their wrongness, they will likely do so out of fear, guilt, or shame. “The problem with you is that you’re too selfish.” “She is lazy.” In the world of judgments, our concern on WHO “IS” WHAT.

“If you don’t help me I won’t lend it to you.” (demand with

punishment)

“It is going to be a shame if you don’t show up.” (demand with

blame)

“Why can’t you be like your brother?” (comparison)

“You are so stupid.” (labeling and insult)

“You are so intelligent.” (positive labeling)

At the root of violence is a kind of thinking that attributes the cause of conflict to wrongness in one’s adversaries, and a corresponding inability to think of oneself or others in terms of vulnerability –what one might be feeling, fearing, yearning for, missing, etc.

Denial of responsibility

We are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, andactions. The phrase “You make me feel guilty” is an example of how language facilitates the denial of personal responsibility for our own feelings and thoughts.

“I cleaned my room because I had to.” – impersonal forces.

“I drink because I am alcoholic.” – diagnosis or psychological history.

“I hit my child because he ran into the street.” – action of others.

“I lied because my boss told me to.” – dictates of authority.

“I start smoking because all my friends did.” – group pressure.

“I have to suspend you because it is the school policy.” – institutional policies rules, and regulations.

“I do it because I am a husband and a father.” – gender, social or age roles.

We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledge choice.